Last night I did my best to take some self portraits. I failed. Horribly.
So after huffing and puffing for 20 minutes I finally broke down and asked for Matt's help.
Here is what we came up with:
Why do I want some "self" portraits? Well, I've been looking through our photos and have realized there isn't really a good one of me. Just me. In a long, long time. I'm turing 25 soon, and the way I look now maybe as good as it gets. Vain? Yeah, probably.
But there is another part to this. I haven't wanted a picture of myself. I have felt that if there was going to be a picture of me I should have my husband, children, or friends in the photo also to validate my existence. Who is Shannon? A wife, a mother, a friend.
Now I love being a wife, a mother, and a friend. I really, really do. But over the past 5 years I feel like I have lost myself. There was Isaac's pregnancy, then school (and who can keep themselves in great shape while going to school full time and having a kid? A superwoman, but not me), then Eli's pregnancy, then focusing all my energy on helping Eli get through two open-heart surgeries, then Titus' pregnancy.
To be honest, Titus' pregnancy completely deflated me. I had been doing well, keeping up courage, holding our family together, even learning to bake bread. But when I found out I was expecting again (just 6 months after Eli!!), I lost all confidence in myself. Who is Shannon now? A silly girl who gets pregnant all the time. My back (not quite literally) broke, my shoulders slumped, and I stopped looking people in the eye.
I have never been "that girl" that needs a friend to go to the bathroom with. I feel like I have (almost always) known who I am. Shannon. A being that has abilities, and is happy to be that person. Should I wear Wal-Mart pool shoes to school today? Why not! Can the thrift store furnish all of my clothing? Heck yes!
But I have realized that I have become "that girl." Slowly over the past years, but it has happened. I have wondered things like, "If the house is a mess, does that mean I am a failure?" or "If i can't find anybody's socks, am I a bad mother?" and "If I cannot bake the perfect loaf a bread, am I horrible person?" I just haven't understood who I am and what defines me. Just take a look through our photos, and the lack of Shannon-only-shots makes it obvious.
There is good news: I am changing. I am starting to feel self-assuredness that helps me walk into a room and know that I belong. I am happy with my body. I am happy with my abilities. I am happy in my roles as a wife, a mother, a friend.
These portraits celebrate this change. Even if I am a little (VERY) shy about sharing, I feel that I must. It is like setting a goal, sharing the goal, and being accountable for that goal.
So friends, this is me.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Thanks for being there for me.
And thanks for stopping by.
18 comments:
These pictures look really good! You look very pretty in them. I think we mothers all feel like we've lost ourselves every once in a while. It is all worth it though!
You look beautiful. I am glad that you are settling into yourself again. I think knowing ourselves can go through peaks and valleys. The real "us" is always there within us, just sometimes it feels dormant. Really dormant. Coming out of hibernation is a wonderful feeling, and it looks different on all of us.
Happy to have you as a friend, Friend.
This is a very touching post. I am very close to tears (big knot in my throat). Thanks for sharing Sis.
Thanks for sharing what I have been feeling! I love the picture where you are holding the boys' pictures. Love it!
You are Shannon. And you are awesome. And you look amazing. And you always belong, in every room. And that room is lucky to have you.
A lot of times I still feel that confidence and that there is an individual me- except the body and picture piece. I've lost it. I have none of that- thus, no Dana pictures. You are very brave, and very beautiful. This is a very good post. Thanks. :)
Shannon, you are beautiful... in so many ways. You are inspiring, hilarious, passionate, intuitive, intelligent, welcoming, and always a breath of fresh air. It is easy to feel lost in the mundaneness of wife/mom/homemaker life. But I am so glad you are taking time to rediscover who you are. I feel so blessed to have you as my friend. Thanks for sharing!
You certainly are beautiful and inspiring. I admire you for being as brave as you are in so many ways.
I stopped by your blog this morning like I do ever morning just to take a peek at my little grands....and there was this post by you...about you. I cannot put into words how I feel reading it. I am simply amazed by your honesty and wisdom and proud of the woman you are. I gotta go dry my tears and put on my pig costume and try to teach the chemical and physical change of turning cream into butter to 3rd graders. I printed off a few pictures to take with me today.....you inspire me. I love you. -Mom
I really like you Shannon! I know I should look at your blog to get updates on the boys, family, and all the good times that go with 'em. But I honestly look at your blog because it's all about you, your personality, hopes, thoughts, life... I like the person you are! I still think you are the funny, smart, loving, happy, sad, cute, sometimes grumpy :) strong woman I met. You've just had life happen. That's what we're on earth for- to learn and grow. You aren't just that girl, you are Shannon, and you are amazing!
I LOVE YOU! You were/are such a HUGE part of my learning and growing in the Burg. . thanks girlie!
First, those pictures are great and you look beautiful. Second, I can definitely say that, especially right after having Braylen, I had the worst body image/vanity issues. Of course, I feel differently now but its so easy to just let yourself take a backseat to being a mother and a wife. I admire your honesty and this is such an inspiration!
Shannon,
This is a wonderful post. You are the love of my life and bestest of friend. You complete me and you are such a beautiful woman. You can always make me smile and bring a wrinkle to my eye. I love "the good, the bad, and the ugly", you make me happy.
p.s. you ARE one hot mama!
-Matt
Shannon,
Thank you for the courage that it took to write this post. I think it is so easy for us as mothers to lose our individuality in the consuming yet wonderful roles that we live as women. It is so easy to forget that without knowing ourselves as individuals, and being happy about that identity, we cannot serve in our other roles as well. I am proud that you recognized this and then DID something about it - - and then shared with the rest of us so that we can be inspired to do the same things!!!! I love your pictures.
Yes I got a 50 mm f1.4 last May. I loved it so much that I stopped using my "kit 18-55mm" altogether. I just didn't like the quality of the pictures that lens gave me. I do keep it around if I need a wide angle at 18mm. I did find myself missing the versatility of the zoom so I broke down and just got a 27-70mm f2.8 a few weeks ago. Love it!!!!!!! I took the picture of my Christmas tree from my blog with the 50 mm (I really wanted to use the large aperture so not all the ornaments would be in focus) but I used my 24-70mm for all the Thanksgiving pictures, bc I didn't want to change lenses . . .lazy I guess.
I love so many of your last few posts! I haven't been on the internet in a while and sure have missed some stuff! :) First, I love Isaac in his turtle costume, and second, I love that first pic of Titus with his little tounge sticking out because he is trying so hard! :)
I specifically wanted to comment on this post because I think it is very true. I have found for myself that I seem to go up and down in this dept. I know just who I am for a bit, then I get distracted and loose myself, rediscover, re"loose", etc. There is a quote from Pres. Harold B. Lee that I love where he says to tell yourself again and again "I am a daughter of God". I find that when I take the time to really tell myself this (and I actually listen) :), it makes it easier to remember who I am and where/who I want to be. It puts everything in perspective for me. I try to take a little time every day to do something just for me, like reading a good book and thinking abt it!. I think we have to keep rediscovering because we keep changing/developing. Isn't that what life is? Thanks for sharing yourself. Know you are loved! :)
I have wondered things like, "If the house is a mess, does that mean I am a failure?" or "If i can't find anybody's socks, am I a bad mother?" and "If I cannot bake the perfect loaf a bread, am I horrible person?"
DITTO! I have thought these same things.
You are awesome Shannon, that's all there is to it.
Oh, sorry, I should have put your quote in quotes, that would have made more sense.
I, too, loved this post. One of my favorite qualities about people is sincerity & authenticity. That is what I love about your Mom, and that is what this post is all about. You are admirable in so many ways. I'm happy to (distantly) be traveling down a similiar road of life at the same time with you. I relate to this a lot. May we figure it out together. You are fantastic.
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