A Friend In Need

Last night I got an unexpected, but very much appreciated call from my dear friend Michelle. Her and I (with our husbands and children of course) lived next to each other for pretty much 4 years. Where we moved, they moved. Where they moved, we moved. It was wonderful!

 

We are now apart living across the country from each other, but we are going through similar situations. Known as "having 3 kids in a very short amount of time." All of our kids are practically the same age! It was wonderful to share thoughts, feelings, and concerns. The phone conversation was a great blessing and comfort to me, and I hope for her too. 

As we hung up, not knowing when we will have the time to talk to each other again (I wished her a Merry Christmas, just to cover the bases), I started to think about a certain article. My friend Helen had posted this on her FB page, and I'm so grateful she did. It applies to all mothers, to be sure! 

(And before you read this know that I have never felt ill will or resentment from any of my friends. Please don't focus on that part of the article! Instead this is a way for me to explain why I may not have time. Time to do many things that I wish I could.) 

'Why don't friends with kids have time?' 

CAROLYN HAX: TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT 
WASHINGTON POST
Thursday, May 24, 2007 

Dear Carolyn: Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. 
Me (no kids): What'd you do today?
Her: Park, play group ... 

OK. I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners ... I do all those things, too. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events); I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy, but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a contest ("my life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks have the same questions. 
— Tacoma, Wash. 

Dear Tacoma: 

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

 

Or, you're lying about having friends with kids. 

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them. 

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed. 

So, because it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, cleaned, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces checkout-line screaming. 

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15. 

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier. 

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense. 

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything — language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand, or keep your snit to yourself. 

.................

And I just want to say this about Michelle, she is a wonderful and inspiring woman. I miss her so much. So much! I learned tons and tons from her example during those precious Rexburg years. I am so grateful she is in my life. Did I mention that we each have 3 boys?! I look forward  to seeing our families grow and change (each of our boys will be in the same grades), but for now we just need to survive the present with a little bit of grace. We can do it, right Michelle?