I can't quite describe my feelings towards motherhood. It's so wonderful, it's a lot of fun, it's very trying, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Typical feelings of mothers, I assume.
But it's always felt like a weird mantle on my shoulders. I've felt itchy and scratchy, always wanting to claw my way into another path. There's been no peace or calm in my journey, like "this is TOTALLY what I'm supposed to be doing," and I've shed a lot of tears for my sons. Poor guys, coming into this world with a mother who's super trying to do her best, but it's never enough--for her heart and mind are hardly ever in line. In the words of Ducky from The Land Before Time, "Poor, poor, Petrie."
So what else would I want to be doing, then? Going to school, dating my husband, acquiring a skill set, traveling to awesome places, becoming an educated professional... you know, all those things that "the world" tells you that's important.
All this time I've been like, "I'm so worldly, I'm not spiritual, I'm a failure, my heart is not in the right place." And I've tried really, really, really hard to change. And I've cried really, really, really hard to Matt. There's been prayers, priesthood blessings, and scripture readings. Those seemed to help. What has not helped, surprisingly, are the talks from the pulpit. I've hated--I mean, HATED--to hear men talk about the importance of motherhood. General Conference has not been fun. Love the all the leaders on other subjects, but when "motherhood" comes up, I pretty much shut down. Not good, right?
So how I'm changing:
-I've given up the idea of me going to school in the next 2 or 3 years. I'm actually half-way applied to a masters program at a school in Savannah. Public History, being able to work in archives and libraries.
-I've given up the idea of joining the ARMY Reserves in the next year or two. I've had talks with recruiters and such, and I know the path I need to take to join.
It's taken a lot out of me to "give it up." But I know I need to. And it's been the hardest thing I've done in a long, long time. (Why give it up? We have no money. But really pursuing these paths would mean splitting the family apart in ways that Matt and I are not comfortable with. Being a spouse to a military-man places a lot of the family responsibility on my shoulders, and I must carry the load.)
I'm sacrificing, to me, a lot. I really feel like my heart is broken, and my spirit is contrite. For the first time the Holy Ghost can actually lead and guide me, now that my pride and selfishness is not hindering mine and Matt's family.
I don't get super amazing, all the time, promptings. I try to act with what seems right, but there are no visions, no spoken words--except for 2 months ago. A few days after teaching Relief Society, I was really pondering the words of the prophet Lorenzo Snow. The house was quite, and I was just sweeping the floor. I came to conclude that the reason why I had such a hard time during the last 3 years was that I was not relying on Christ to help me through... and there was such an overwhelming confirmation, that I literally started to weep. My God, my God, I had hardened my heart, turned my back, and left myself to mine own devices. There was a big old, "Yup," in my mind and I broke down.
I've started watching this show, which streams through Amazon Prime (but may also be on other apps), called "How the Universe Works." It's a Discovery Channel series, and it's amazing. It covers the Big Bang, the galaxies of the universe, planets, moons, stars, all sorts! And every time something is described, like how if the super massive Gas Planets on the outer part of our solar system were not there, then tons and tons and tons of astroids would hit our earth, and we may not exist. "We may not exist, if" such and such were not in this manner, is said over and over again. I was brought to tears during the first episode. I'm not a romantic, I don't believe me and Matt were fated to be together, but that we have just worked really hard and that's why our marriage is still intact. See, I'm more of a Deist--belief in the existence of a supreme being, specifically of a creator who does not intervene in the universe--than not. But gosh, if all this effort is put into making simple 'ol us and our universe, then maybe Heavenly Father does care about my day to day life. That has had a profound impact, one which I cannot properly put into type.
I'm still working at this, being "calm in my role as a mother," but I'm seeing a good difference in myself and how I handle the stressful situations with the boys.
I'd love to know how other people come into their roles with such strength and peace. Please share--cause obviously I need it. Comment or email me (shandud@gmail.com).
And here are a ton of pictures, cause that's what I do:
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| A note I found during Spring Cleaning, which I wrote 2 years ago: Dear Shannon, Please continue to stay fit, read scriptures, say daily prayers. Always know that people care about you and love you. LOVE YOUR KIDS! |
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| Saw Eli getting a drink from the sink. Too funny. |
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| Mid day Skype with Matt. |
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| Titus tends to wear his undies on backwards. I think it's to see the picture better. |
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| Titus totally had to go pee while we were in the middle of car-rider line. I think he'll pee in the almond container! |
6 comments:
So my situation is a little the same and a little different. I love being a mom. I had been afraid to be one...but it fit for me. I know I fall short a lot, but I love it. The past few years I have been working outside the home some. I have learned to cut back some around the house so that I can still see my kids and play with them. When Kate entered K this year, I began working during the day. Great because I am home when they are home more. However, I have still had a lot of unrest. I came to the conclusion that for me, it is because my focus still needs to be on my kids. No matter how much extra money I can make, even if I am working when they aren't home, I need to make sure I am Mom first...cause that is who I need to be for them. Still trying to work my way through all of this...and it is challenging at times! Don't have lots of tips...but prayer/pondering sure does help! (And it is super fun when they start getting older and you get to see your hard work pay off a bit! And you get to really see who they are...who they are becoming. At least I sure have enjoyed it as Ava has gotten older.)
So why do you loathe priesthood talking about motherhood? I need more explanation so I can understand better.
You really are sacrificing a lot Shannon.
How come you don't do a little school part time?
Or wait until the youngest is in school then do part time school? Then you can still have your goals met right?
I can understand not enlisting since what if you get called out and then your kids have no parents at home, is that why.........right?
You're super ambitious and it's a great thing to have. Do you have feelings of resentment about being a mother? Or are you simply sad about giving up your goals for a greater purpose?
I love how honest you are and I find this post fascinating as I didn't know this at all you know.
I can't wait to see you next month and talk more about this.
I hear you loud and clear! Thank you for sharing as I can relate! In December I went to see the musical, "Wicked." I had been wanting to see it for years. All the way through I felt uneasy. I felt that my dream of musical was gone. Poof. My 20s were devoted to children and now that I am 30, I am too old for the stage. I felt horrible inside and resented my family for keeping me back from my dream.
So....I found a community theater, auditioned, rehearsed for six weeks and performed for three weekends. It was one of the most amazing experience of my life!! I LOVED it and HAD to do it. I envied the lives of my fellow cast members. Single, living their life free as a bird, no kids, making money at their day job doing whatever. It seemed so easy, so perfect. But you know what? I wonder how many of them envied my life. Wanted a spouse and kids. I felt grateful that I could have both, but just for that short 2.5 months.
Then life settled down and I read a book that kinda changed my life. "The Gift of an Ordinary Day" a memoir by a mother who taught me that children grow up fast, leave and what she remembers most were the ordinary moments. And now I see my life differently.
I know what you are going through! But remember there are seasons in life.
p.s. I laughed out loud about your conference comment. I have always loved the motherhood talks, but it wasn't until recently that I started thinking, "ya know, I don't have to agree with everything these guys say" on any topic.
You are great Shannon. And from my perspective I sorta envy that you KNOW you are done with three. My head rattles around all the time of if I am done or not and it drives me crazy. And the other day when you put a pic of fb of you and your boys and they seemed so grown up I thought, "Look at her, she is on her way. Her kids are growing up and things are going to get easier."
Best wishes Shannon! MUAH!
I totally understand what you are saying. Thank you for sharing it. Being away from my kids for this past week was a humbling realization to me that there is actually going to be a huge chunk of my life when I will have time to myself, time to pursue my dreams, and time to just be me. When I left for the trip I just wanted a break and sleep. This morning I woke up super early and waited anxiously for my baby's to wake up because I missed them so bad. I was actually jealous of moms with kids the whole week (such a change.) I gained some perspective back. I guess for me the thing that gets me through wanting to do everything I desire now is knowing life goes fast and changes fast and one of those big changes will be that I will have more time to myself and less time to be with my kids as the years go by. That makes me want to put my all into now knowing I will pursue all that I want in time. The season for me right now with nearly 3 kids at home will have to be all hands on deck. It's both terribly sad and terribly relieving knowing things wont always be this way. But that's life never staying the same. I have so much to learn from my kids now that I can't learn when I will be teaching school or doing photography full time, but that other season to learn will come. I dont think you are selfish at all for wanting these things or even doing those things now if that worked for you and your family. That may be the problem sometimes with speakers at church. They may teach what their balance is. What has worked for them and that is not how it is for everyone. My mind has really opened up particularly this year about not taking everything said over the pulpit directly to heart. I think most if not everyone has great intentions, but that doesn't mean it is actual doctrine. Good luck with your journey. It sounds like you are making large strides in finding out who you are as Shannon and as a mom. Can't wait to see you soon!
have you ever read the book i am a mother by jane clayson johnson? it is a great read! love you and i wish we were doing this closer together, i miss the good ole' rexburg days
I used to have a more Deist perspective in college but as I've grown, I’ve come to know God knows me. Somehow, in ways my mortal mind cannot fathom and out of an innumerable amount of children, I am known to Him. I've made more of an effort to know Him and by so doing I see and realize how, not always through direct intervention--rather mostly indirect--I have been helped, steered, carried and comforted in such personal ways that I must conclude He knows and cares about me. It’s amazing to me how people are touched & moved upon to help each other, how our minds and hearts can have such spiritually intimate revelations due to our Heavenly Father's gift to us of having the Comforter as our constant companion.
Fitting into my motherhood role... at first I had a difficult time. When you contrast the college life with watching Baby Einstein and cleaning up a non-cleanable house, it's just depressing. But I did come to embrace the actual child-rearing aspect (I don't think I'll ever fully embrace the home-making aspect the way I ought to). Luckily, I still find enjoyment playing and building with blocks. I also read them books *I* liked from when I was a kid and got them interested in some of the things *I* am interested in, like music and space and things like that. They also like their own things--Luke loooves Thomas trains and I couldn't care one way or another about them--but we do things together that we mutually enjoy and that has helped me, I think.
My dreams and aspirations pre-motherhood have faded quite a bit, I think because deep down I knew that me pursuing a doctorate in neurological research (brains! I want to cut up brains! In a lab, legally and ethically) was pretty unlikely if I were to have a family and I knew family was important. I never married myself to the idea so as to not get disappointed. But I had a lot of hobbies, talents, interests and whatnot that really brought me enjoyment when I was a teenager and not doing those things anymore made me sad. Like no more dance competitions, no more marching band so no more snare drumming, etc. But in the past year, maybe two years, I realized this doesn't have to be the case. Like how Amy pointed out with community theater, it's not Broadway but it's still living out to some extent a passion and it fits with her season in life. For me, I don’t dance anymore but I've taken up Zumba and am gearing up to instruct part time for our Zumba group at church. For drumming, I have a small djembe I play on when I get the urge and some day, my basement in my future house will be full of instruments--including a drum set—the whole family will play. I also have a creative outlet with my jewelry business and all of the new skills I've learned over the past few years relating to that endeavor.
I guess what I'm saying ties into how our lives have seasons... We can, sometimes, still enjoy the essence of things we like even if the specific mode has been altered/adjusted to fit our current season. I don't know the reasons for you wanting to join the reserves but let's say it's because you like to be outdoors toughing it out. Your sons will be in Scouts soon. Your desire to be outdoors doing hard things (again I'm just talking hypothetically) can be realized in some way by teaching Isaac and your other boys what you know and get to do some Scouting activities with them.
In conclusion to my essay (I'm sorry, I write a lot), God knows and loves you, motherhood isn't easy for most women, focus on your kids and find something that you can do now in this season of your life that keeps you intellectually stimulated and enjoy the fluidity of life that can give new opportunities you hadn't thought of before. For what it's worth, I think you're doing a great job in your role. I admire you for raising three sons while your husband is gone for so long. Just keep trying and keep praying!
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