I've Gained 20 Lbs, and it's OK

If you've been one to follow this blog, or you've seen me periodically in the last 10 months, or I've spoken to you about it, you have probably deduced that I have gained weight.   And that logical train of thought is correct.  I have gained weight.  A whole whopping 20 pounds. 

What I weigh now is what I weigh when I'm full term in my pregnancies with any of my boys.  

What I weigh now is the heaviest I've ever weighed. 

What I weigh now is still a healthy BMI for my age and height. 

And I'm okay.  

I wasn't into daily exercise routines till after Eli was born--summer 2009.  As one may imagine, having a little "heart" baby was really stressful, and I found a great release in running a few miles everyday.  It was also that summer when I began to watch what I ate more carefully.   I had had my gallbladder removed a month after Isaac was born (October 2006), and it slowly occurred to me that I felt better with less fat is in my diet.  No gallbladder + heavy/fatty food = awful feeling Shannon when she ate those beautiful greasy things. 

The summer of 2010, after Titus was born, saw a Shannon obsessed with eating well and running more than 2 miles.  I incorperated muscle building work-outs, I started P90x in Jan of '11, and once I stopped breast-feeding Titus I began to cut more and more calories out of my diet.  

The year of 2011 was one major stress bomb.  I just can't even begin to put into words how uptight, tired, worried, quick to tears I was.   A few things contributed to this, including:

- having 3 kids, within 3 and a half years--the lack of sleep for consecutive years was extremely hard to bare 

- one child needed his 3rd and (hopefully) final open surgery in Aug 2011

- Matt was pretty much MIA from Aug of 2010 to May of 2012; for his 18 credit a semester MBA, ROTC trainings, and National Guard obligations ate up all his time

- and hardly a penny to our name didn't help either 

I found control and relief is running, working out, and "keeping a thumb" on my eating.  I got REALLY skinny.  

The stress of life abated a little after Matt graduated and commissioned in the Army in May of 2012, but do to military trainings he was not with us from July thru November.  We saw him every 2 weeks, which was awesome, but I was still (in all intents and purposes) a single parent with 3 small boys to look after.   Stress induced "Skinny Shannon" continued.

Matt deployed in March of 2013 to Afghanistan.  And you guessed it: stress induced "Skinny Shannon" continued.  

But then me and the boys moved to a new home (in the same town) Sept '13, two months before Matt came home.  I had lost another 5 pounds during the move, and I was so exhausted from the move and all that happened that year, that I hit a wall and just started to sit. 

And sit.  

And sit.  Oh, and eat fries.  

I slept a lot in October 2013, and me and the boys ate a lot of fast food.  Which is totally disgusting, I know, but in a lot of ways it was a therapy.  Feed the feelings of exhaustedness.  

During that 6 weeks of sitting and eating and waiting for Matt to come home, I gained 20 pounds.  I've been actively trying to lose the weight since Jan of this year, but nothing has really budged.  BUT, it's okay. 

Really, it is.  

I look back at those photos of me being super skinny, and I have no warm feelings.  If I have to be super stressed to be that skinny, then it's not worth it.  NOT WORTH IT.  

A few things have been annoying since gaining weight, obviously.   My clothes are tight, a lot of things don't fit, and I hate how "large" I look in photos.  

But my mental state is finally level, which is amazing.  Truly, it is.  I think the last time I've felt this well was summer of 2008.  

I'm not saying this extra 20 pounds is good for me, and I have a plan to help lose it, but a happy mind is so much better than a crazy mind.  

I like exercise, and I love to eat well--it's not toucher.  But I will NOT obsess about 1.5 hour work-outs.

 I will NOT obsess over each calorie.  That may mean I only lose 10 to 15, and that will be fine.  Being a happy and whole person means so much more than being a size 2.  

I want my boys to have good memories of me, and not think of me as a "functioning anorexic" (which I'm afraid I was at one point).  

So this is me.  In all my curvy glory!  

(You know what?  I'm was still a size D even when I was lighter.  I come from a line of big chested women, and that's where I'll stay…  So my life long dream of having Kate Hudson's "boy body" is not going to be realized.)