Cute Kids, Ugly Truth

Everyday after school Isaac asks, "What did you guys do today?"  

"Oh," I sigh, "nothing much."

Life with these two at home is pretty fun.  Not that having Isaac at home is NOT fun, but I feel like I'm able to give these two some personal time.  Which neither of them really have had.  (Isaac had 2.5 years to himself before a brother came.)

It's going to change this fall.  Mr. Eli is going to pre-K, and I have to decide about Titus and a 3's class. Right now, I'm thinking not for Titus.  Most of the preschool's here are 5 days a week and 8 hours a day, it's taken some work to find one that is 4 days a week and 3 hrs a day for Eli.  

Guys, I don't know what I'm going to do when they are all in school.  My life has been toddlers, toddlers, and more toddlers for so long... Just, wow.  It's going to get quiet.  Maybe I'll be able to plan meals better, get the house cleaned, work in the yard, read a book, possibly start classes again??   I think I'm realizing (aging and again and again) how quickly this is going to happen.  They will all be in school (pre-K and up) in a year and a half.

And yes, I could homeschool.  However, I know myself.  Truth be told, I am not a very patient person. I rather not destroy my children while I try to "better myself."  Shoot, I've been working on patience all of my life, and it isn't getting any better. In fact, I think I'm getting worse.  Plus, how can I teach my kids the whole wide world, when I'm so overwhelmed with the ABC's for Titus and Eli?!?!

If homeschool is your thing, that's great.  Really it is.  No judgement passed, and I don't think your kids are missing out on anything.  But homeschool is not mine... Motherhood has never been easy for me, something I never felt I was "doing a good job" at, and I realize I would really suck our family up if I tired it.

You want to know the truth?  I get up every morning pleading with God to help me.  "Please help, I'm so overwhelmed.  I don't know if I can do any of this right."  Most of the time I get a reassuring push in the back, which seems to say, "Shannon I love you.  But get out of bed, put your bra on, and feed the kids."

But, still:
I yell.
I run and hide.
I dance dirty in front of the kids while they are trying to watch a show.
Yes, my kids watch shows.  It's true.

(You know, I think I was made to live in the time of "live in a compound with the family" thing.  Matt and I make the babies, give them to the grandparents to raise, while he and I work the fields.  Or he goes hunting, and I tend the corn.  Plus another bonus is all us women nurse each other's babies!  So maybe my children will be able to be breast feed past 7 months old.)

So this is why I bake and cook good things.  Cause hopefully "A way to a man's heat is through his stomach" is true, and my boys will forget all the bad (and weird) and only remember warm chocolate chip cookies.
Or muffins.
The way Eli just reacted from me telling him we were having those for breakfast was priceless!  "Chocolate chip muffins!"  He yells with his arms wide and over his head, "Oh yeah!  They're my favorite!"


And no matter what, no matter my inabilities or insecurities, these boys will always be "My favorite!"