Matt's Music :: Afganistan Album, "Isaac's Song"

Isaac sang one really high pitched word for this song, saying "face" in the middle.  Since this recording he's been much more willing to sing.  Hooray!

Roller Coaster Deployment Cycle

Hey.  So apparently this is normal: roller coaster of emotions, the dreaded "deployment cycle."
Right.  I'm feeling pretty good at the moment.  The last week was rough, but I bet it had a lot to do with the fact that my sleep schedule was waaaaaayyyyyyyy...y... y.... off.  So awful.  I'm no good when sleep evades.

I'm back to going to bed at a decent time.
I'm cooking better.
I'm doing things and getting out and about.
Plus Matt is doing awesome and is a great support.

Mother's Day was Sunday, and I spent it with my boys at home.  Watching PBS kids, eating junk food, and swinging on the hammock.  Eli and Isaac were both battling infections, so it was "down weekend."  My parents were in town for Saturday and we had a great time with them.  So nice to be close to family!  Though the 7 hour drive can get tedious.

Me and the boys are looking forward to summer.  Isaac finishes up Kindergarten next week, then a week later we are going to Idaho.  IDAHO.  I'll let everyone know when I'm there and we should totally meet up at Williams Park!  (<< love that place)

Peace out and bed time.

The Last 24 Hours:

Me and the two littles played in a pool for 2 hours, and Isaac had his "Field Day."
I took Isaac to an Urgent Care in the late afternoon, and after an hour of waiting he was seen and then promptly diagnosed with an ear and throat infection.
My friend Paige came over after the boys went to bed and we ate cheesecake, talked, ate cheesecake, talked, ate cheesecake, then watched a short show.
My parents came in close to mid-night and we stayed up and chatted a bit.
Eli coughed throughout the night.
The boys woke up at 6:15am.
Eli has a fever.

I'm not sure tball is in our morning plans.

"Calm in Role" Respons

I'm going to ramble a lot, so if you want to skip all that, just come away with three things:
1) I love my kids, I love my husband, I have a very good life.
2) Thank you for all the beautiful and heart felt responses.  I so appreciate the support and willingness to be open and talk.
3)  Look into Coursera for FREE on-line courses given by top universities.  They aren't credited classes, but knowledge is out there, so take it!

...............

How lame is it that I bare my heart then keep quite for 5 days?  Sorry guys, but I feel like I have a good excuse.

I gave blood on Saturday and it pretty much destroyed my sleep pattern and over all health and wellbeing (says Shannon-the-Melodramatic).  I'm so grateful to be able to give blood, but Saturday was the worst of the many times I've given.  Blood stopped flowing towards the end and the phlebotomists were working hard core to get it moving again.  Lots of twists of the needle, lots of pushing it up and down, and lots of pressure on my arm.  Phew!  Glad that's over.

I stayed up Saturday night till 12 am, for no reason.
I went to bed Sunday at 7pm and slept for 12 hours, for obvious reasons.
I stayed up Monday night till 1 am, for no reason.
I went to bed Tuesday at 10pm and slept for 9 hours, for obvious reasons.
Hoping tonight I will be able to just, you know, get back to being a normal human with a normal sleep pattern.  I think that will help my brain mucho mucho!

I just want to say, "Thank you."
I like talking honestly, and for a few hours after I post something personal I'm totally good with it.  However a day or two later I'm like, "Erm... why did I do that again?"  One of the hardest aspects of discussing through text medium is truly conveying how one feels.  That said, I'd like to point out that I LOVE MY KIDS (and) I LOVE MY HUSBAND (and) I HAVE A REALLY GOOD LIFE.  Kinda feel silly for not writing the obvious in the "Calm in my Role" post.

The responses to my "Calm in Role" post have been beautiful, and very uplifting.  I'd like to thank each and everyone of you guys for your candor, love, and support.  (Feel weird writing this>>) I think I truly did believe I was the only one out there who was having a hard time with the parenting mantel.  It's amazing how similar, but so very different, me and Matt are from each other.  Once he's in, he's in.  There are no "what ifs" about it.  I'm defiantly a "what if-er," exploring all possibilities in my mind, so being married to Matt has been a wonderful challenge and blessing (made me more self conscious, but more confident at the same time).   Here are his actual thoughts on the matter (written during a stressful day, so no judgement on my man's grammar, mmmkay?):  

Fatherhood hasn't always been so "easy" per say, but I just told myself I wanted to be a father. It seemed like a unique opportunity to raise and teach another person, get to know them, keep me humble... From late teenage years I mostly started seeing/noticing other people's lifestyles and realized that I didn't want glam, fame, and fortune. I wanted simplicity and to have a family. I wanted a situation that "the added stressors of life" wouldn't be so prevalent - that typically are associated with being "single, rich, and famous". I've never really wanted the crazy, "in-your-face" lifestyle. Basically it probably comes down to I was blessed with certain desires and life experience has helped me to be able to adjust and cope with certain things in the way(s) I have. Call it luck. Whatever it is, fatherhood has been relatively "simple" to work out in my head. Maybe it's competition. Maybe it's the "challenge". Who knows. It can be tough for sure, but I've just always had the "i'm not gonna quite/fail" mentality and I will survive and make it work. A blessing (some may call it a curse) from on High. I don't know if i'm making great sense, but hopefully you're picking up on what i'm saying.


All that was shared in email massages, comments, FB responses, FB messages, texts have helped me realize that I'm not alone...  It's a big world, but so small at the same time.  Truly amazed at the human experience--how we each one of us have totally different lives, but then our feelings are so similar.

To address some questions asked.
Resentment:
Yes, I came into motherhood with some resentment.  Matt had just gotten home from Iraq, had all these "self awareness of one's own mortality" issues, so super wanted a kid.  Kinda what happens to all soldiers, I believe.  So we "played with fire," really hoping I "wouldn't get burned" for at  least 6 months--but nope.  A month after Matt was home we found out we were going to have a baby.  Matt with his moderate PTSD and me with my pregnancy sickness and prolonged "baby-blues," I'm surprised how well Isaac has actually turned out!  Poor baby boy, though.  Such an awesome kid, to be with such screwed up first-time parents.  
With Eli everything was very opposite.  I wanted Eli, Matt wanted Eli.  We were both, as parents and partners, in a very good place.  Even with all the heart-surgery and scariness, there was an amazing peace and calm about our new journey with our new 4 person family.
Titus was truly our shocker.  How he "came to be" is still a bit of a mystery.  After his birth I was doing okay.  But then Matt started his 18 credit hour per semester MBA load, and I totally cracked under the pressure.  There was a "shell of Shannon," with a very broken core.   It wasn't until the last semester of MBA (Titus being 18 months old at the time) that I started to put myself back together.  I did love my time in Boise, though.  Made many lasting friendships... for if they liked me at my low, of course they'll love me at my high!  (Right, guys?)

Matt's always been a great dad, though.  Very involved with his kids, and super willing to take on lots of time and responsibility--and I think that's what's been hard.  I know, KNOW, Matt would be an amazing full-time parent;  however the circumstances around Matt's schooling and job have taken him... well, have taken him!   He hasn't been around much the last 3 years, but I'm finally okay with it.  It's just about normal now.
And why, if I feel Matt would be a great full-time parent, am I not the bread winner instead?  Well what I want to do, which I still haven't quite figured out, wouldn't make a lot of money.  Seeing that we have 3 kids to support and the life we want to live, we need more money than what I can provide.

(again)  I LOVE MY KIDS (and) I LOVE MY HUSBAND (and) I HAVE A VERY GOOD LIFE.

I am, in fact, very grateful that I am able to be with my children through out the day.  That I can be a stay at home mom, make cookies and play and hang out with friends.  What's hard is the lack of  "instant recognition."  I'll only know if I've done a good job till 20 years have passed.  Which seems like a really, really, really long time.  Though apparently they go in a blink of an eye?  That's what I hear?

Master program:
And one of the main reasons why I can't enroll in a masters program in Savannah is the lack of funds.  That's very much at the root of the problem.  I much rather us get OUT of debt, than put us in MORE debt--at this stage in our lives, of course.  We have "much" to pay off to lenders (that's how we survived the MBA years), and once those debts are gone we'll be able to map out a way for me to attend school.
And this specific program must be completed within 7 years of starting.  I have no idea how long we'll be here (not 7 years), and when I start something I want to be able to finish.  The idea of on-line learning is starting to seem pretty appealing... and I still need to figure out what I want to do.  Darn.

ARMY reserves:
Also the ARMY reserves will only take me as an officer till I'm 29 years old, then after that they'd only take me as an enlisted person.  I can't imagine being able to go to OCS (officer candidate school) in the next year or two, since who'd take care of the kids while Matt's at work?  A baby sitter, daycare?  That'd be about as much as a masters program, so that's off the table.   I would be making money during OSC and BLOC, but even the emotional stress on the kids of "another parent gone" is not worth it.  I'm hoping for successful, confident young men!  Not broken and resentment filled.  I'm not sure if I want to do the enlisted side, but I'm still open to it.   They may take me in at age 38... um, maybe?  One of the main reasons why I like the idea of joining the reserves is the very clear and set career path... but then I'd be part of the ARMY, and I'm not sure I really do want that.

(once again) I LOVE MY KIDS (and) I LOVE MY HUSBAND (and) I HAVE A VERY GOOD LIFE.

Advice from others:
I'm starting to get: that there are seasons in one's life.  This is my season to share and explore with my boys.  And I'm really starting to enjoy it.  I have to tune out a lot of the world, and just focus on the present.  It's hard, and it's a daily struggle.  But when I'm actually able to do it, focus on the here and now, it's amazing.  We have such a good day.

I know I need to find something that will give me my "me time."  I like a lot of things: crafts, cooking, reading, outdoor adventure, baking, decorating, shopping, listening to NPR, playing instruments.  But nothing really STANDS out as "SHANNON," except, attending classes.  I really learned to love school my last two years in college.  So that's what kills--my "me time" is something I really can't do right now...
... EXCEPT NOT!!   Guess what I've discovered?!  FREE on-line classes given by the top universities.  They aren't credited, but it's something that I can do for me "hobby."  Right now I'm enrolled in Childhood Nutrition from Stanford, and in the fall I'm taking a course from Duke about Discussion & Argument.  There's much, much more available, and I can't wait to explore the site.  Visit Coursera to learn more!  (financing, learning to play guitar, history of China, etc.  It's all there!)

Also listening to uplifting PodCasts during the is a great idea.  Including General Conference talks... though maybe skip the motherhood ones? ;)



Anyway, you guys are great.
Thanks for the love.

For those who are struggling, it'll get better if you just try a bit each day.
For those who are totally together, thank you for being such a wonderful example for me and others.  I really look up to you guys.

Till I "over share" again, au revoir!

Matt's Music :: Afganistan Album, "Eli's Song"

Matt uses "Gollum's voice" from the Lord of the Rings, and says lines from Nacho Libre.  It's all a little crazy, just like Eli.

Being Calm in My Role

I think I'm starting to be okay with being a mom...  and I've been a mom for 6.5 years, so it's bout time, right?

I can't quite describe my feelings towards motherhood.  It's so wonderful, it's a lot of fun, it's very trying, it's the hardest thing I've ever done.  Typical feelings of mothers, I assume.
But it's always felt like a weird mantle on my shoulders.   I've felt itchy and scratchy, always wanting to claw my way into another path.   There's been no peace or calm in my journey, like "this is TOTALLY what I'm supposed to be doing," and I've shed a lot of tears for my sons.  Poor guys, coming into this world with a mother who's super trying to do her best, but it's never enough--for her heart and mind are hardly ever in line.  In the words of Ducky from The Land Before Time, "Poor, poor, Petrie."
So what else would I want to be doing, then?  Going to school, dating my husband, acquiring a skill set, traveling to awesome places, becoming an educated professional... you know, all those things that "the world" tells you that's important.

All this time I've been like, "I'm so worldly, I'm not spiritual, I'm a failure, my heart is not in the right place."  And I've tried really, really, really hard to change.  And I've cried really, really, really hard to Matt.  There's been prayers, priesthood blessings, and scripture readings.  Those seemed to help.  What has not helped, surprisingly, are the talks from the pulpit.  I've hated--I mean, HATED--to hear men talk about the importance of motherhood.  General Conference has not been fun.  Love the all the leaders on other subjects, but when "motherhood" comes up, I pretty much shut down.  Not good, right?



So how I'm changing:

-I've given up the idea of me going to school in the next 2 or 3 years.  I'm actually half-way applied to a masters program at a school in Savannah.  Public History, being able to work in archives and libraries.
-I've given up the idea of joining the ARMY Reserves in the next year or two.  I've had talks with recruiters and such, and I know the path I need to take to join.
It's taken a lot out of me to "give it up."  But I know I need to.  And it's been the hardest thing I've done in a long, long time.  (Why give it up?  We have no money.  But really pursuing these paths would mean splitting the family apart in ways that Matt and I are not comfortable with.  Being a spouse to a military-man places a lot of the family responsibility on my shoulders, and I must carry the load.)

I'm sacrificing, to me, a lot.  I really feel like my heart is broken, and my spirit is contrite.  For the first time the Holy Ghost can actually lead and guide me, now that my pride and selfishness is not hindering mine and Matt's family.
I don't get super amazing, all the time, promptings.  I try to act with what seems right, but there are no visions, no spoken words--except for 2 months ago.  A few days after teaching Relief Society, I was really pondering the words of the prophet Lorenzo Snow.  The house was quite, and I was just sweeping the floor.  I came to conclude that the reason why I had such a hard time during the last 3 years was that I was not relying on Christ to help me through... and there was such an overwhelming confirmation, that I literally started to weep.  My God, my God, I had hardened my heart, turned my back, and left myself to mine own devices.   There was a big old, "Yup," in my mind and I broke down.
I've started watching this show, which streams through Amazon Prime (but may also be on other apps), called "How the Universe Works."  It's a Discovery Channel series, and it's amazing.  It covers the Big Bang, the galaxies of the universe, planets, moons, stars, all sorts!  And every time something is described, like how if the super massive Gas Planets on the outer part of our solar system were not there, then tons and tons and tons of astroids would hit our earth, and we may not exist.  "We may not exist, if" such and such were not in this manner, is said over and over again.  I was brought to tears during the first episode.  I'm not a romantic, I don't believe me and Matt were fated to be together, but that we have just worked really hard and that's why our marriage is still intact.  See, I'm more of a Deist--belief in the existence of a supreme being, specifically of a creator who does not intervene in the universe--than not.  But gosh, if all this effort is put into making simple 'ol us and our universe, then maybe Heavenly Father does care about my day to day life.  That has had a profound impact, one which I cannot properly put into type.



I'm still working at this, being "calm in my role as a mother," but I'm seeing a good difference in myself and how I handle the stressful situations with the boys.
I'd love to know how other people come into their roles with such strength and peace.  Please share--cause obviously I need it.  Comment or email me (shandud@gmail.com).



And here are a ton of pictures, cause that's what I do:

A note I found during Spring Cleaning, which I wrote 2 years ago:
Dear Shannon, Please continue to stay fit, read scriptures, say daily prayers.
Always know that people care about you and love you.
LOVE YOUR KIDS! 

Saw Eli getting a drink from the sink.  Too funny.

Mid day Skype with Matt. 

Titus tends to wear his undies on backwards.  I think it's to see the picture better. 

Titus totally had to go pee while we were in the middle of car-rider line.
I think he'll pee in the almond container!

Being a Good Wife, Sending Packages

The packages that I send to Matt vary in content, and it can take 1 week to get there or up to 3 weeks (just depends upon the weather pattern in Afghanistan; choppers don't want to get in the sky when a server storm is present).  

I don't have to worry so much about sending food this time (compared to Iraq), since he's actually stationed at a place with consistent meals--but chocolate is always welcome!  He got the box of chocolate delivered when at his office, and the other men swarmed.  He willing gave up the OREOs and snuck the rest of the goodies back to his room, haha.  

The other package contained sheets and facial wipes.  All good, practical things.  

Matt got both these packages a day or two ago.  I had hoped that each would arrive before our anniversary, but at least they arrived, right?!  10 days late, oh well. 

He wrote me a poem of thanks.  It's hilarious, so I must share.  (Yup, the note I sent Matt had no mushy or gushy words, just "Wash your face.") 

A poem for you:
My sheets all tan and so grey
Makes life simple and delightfully gay
Sleep will easily find me and not cause perplex
Because my mind can relax and dream of  some hexagons
I love my new sheets and the package that came
Shannon the sender giving directions so plain
Unwritten was sleep, loving care, and some peace
But textually she wrote simply, "Wash your face"